Ok, for you Johnny come latelys, here’s da deal. You’d be best off clicken on last week’s MMM for part one. But if you’re too busy to read the first part, I’ll fill ya in. I came into the office early, about 10:30AM. The answering machine lights were winkin’ fast and hard. I had a funny feelin’, but I pressed play. It was old Rolanda of Ray and Rolanda’s Righteous Realtyrama with a little job for me. It turns out I hadda do a little inspection on a condo for pretty and perky Paula Primer that afternoon. The story picks up as I’m pullin up to the condo…..
Roundin the corner at 5th and Green, I caught a glimpse of Rolanda standin’ on the porch. What I really saw first was the sun glintin’ off the big rock on her pinky finger. I never seen it before. Boy, her and Ray must be havin’ some year. Her hair used to be black. It was red now. In fact, she was all red. Her lips looked like she was bleedin’, and her cheeks weren’t much lighter. The extra pounds she’d been packin’ on were easy to spot with that horizontal striped blouse Rolanda was wearin’. It didn’t go too well with the pink herringbone short shorts, but what the heck. I don’t think the fashion police were out in force that day. Another dame came out onto the stoop. All the sudden, I couldn’t see Rolanda there no more.
Rolanda waved me up to the stoop and made with the introductions. “Paula, I’d like you to meet Punky Mudsill, one of the eight best inspectors in town. If anything is outta whack with your new little castle here, Punky’s the guy to let you know.”
I smiled my best Cary Grant smile, and shook Paula’s hand. I got those vibes, ya know. I think she kinda liked me. “I looked at hundreds of condos just like this one, Paula. I’m gonna scope it out real good. Meanwhile you go decide where the furniture goes. I’ll be back to ya in a couple a shakes. It don’t take too long to scope out a little condo when all ya own is from the paint in. You could be makin out a check for $200 while you are waitin’. Then you can be getting back to your day before you know it.”
Rolanda and Paula went inside, jabberin’ like excited women do, while I started to scope out the exterior. The roof and the windows looked great, but the siding didn’t look so hot. It sorta looked like wood, but not quite. And the bottom of the boards, coverin the top of the board below, was fat in some places and skinny in others. I knew right away something was wrong. Ya can’t pull the rock wool over old Punky’s eyes.
Well, I’d seen all I needed to outside, and in a flash I was inside the premises. It looked slick as a whistle, but I went around turnin’ on a few lights, openin’ a few windows, just to make the broads think Paula was getting her money’s worth. When I got into the kitchen, I noticed a little spot on the ceiling. Not having my stepladder, I grabbed the cloth covered dining room chair closest to me and stood it under the spot on the ceiling. I hopped up and felt the ceiling stain. Wet. Humm, last time I checked, it wasn’t supposed to be rainin’ from up there on the second floor. When I hopped down, I noticed the outline of my shoes on the dining room chair. The color was similar to the flower bed dirt outside. Lucky for me, the condo had a key box. Coulda been someone else…….
Knowin I was onto somethin’, I bolted up the stairs, two at a time and turned into the bathroom, which was just over the kitchen. The floor around the water closet (the can, for you uncultured schmucks) was wet. I pushed down around the edge. Opps! A hard push might have gone right through the floor. Lucky Rolanda didn’t have to come in here to use the facilities. Sheda become queen of the kitchen, sittin’ on her new throne. I had all the information I needed. My work here was done. Too bad Paula had to keep lookin’, but them's the breaks. I didn’t think killin’ the deal was gonna go over too good with Rolanda, though. I figured I was lookin back at number nine on her list again.
I called the ladies over, and told em about the siding. Then I told em about the water spot on the ceiling in the kitchen, and the floor in the bath above. I figured that killing the messenger was about to commence. I sure hoped that check was already made out.
One thing about dames is they never stop surprisin’ ya. When I was done talkin, they was still smilin’. Even Rolanda was as nice as June Cleaver when Ward come home in the evening. Very strange, but who cares! I was preparin for a chewin’ out, but I got milk and cookies instead. “Punky, you really are the best. You saved me money, time and grief by findin’ what you did. I might not buy this one, but if I look at others, I’ll make sure Rolanda gives you a call. I want you to be my house detective from now on,” Paula said, wavin’ them lashes at me. “I have your check right here, and I added a little bonus. Just give me a receipt for your fee, and make sure to write on it, “For inspection of the condo at 5th and Green,” and put today’s date. And Punky, I know all I need to know. You don’t need to trouble yourself with writing up any old report”.
What a day. Paula gave me an extra hundred bucks, Rolanda smiled and told me she would call again real soon, and I got up close and personal with the finest dame in town. It was just after two-thirty. By three I would be sittin’ in the corner joint havin a couple a pops and reflectin’: is this a great life or what?
Will Paula buy the condo, knowing what she knows now? Will Rolanda go on a diet and upgrade her wardrobe? Will Punky get drunk and rolled by Bette Yacan down at the corner joint? Was this job Punky’s big break, and will everything ‘be comin’ up roses in Punky’s future? The important questions will definitely be answered in “Hooda Ever Thunk It”, Part Three. Click on the MMM for next week’s exciting, continuing adventures of The Occasional Chronicles of Punky Mudsill, alternative to the professionals and house detective extraordinaire. See what happens in Part III